Why Forgive

Simple Steps to Change the World You Live In

I’m often invited to share my ideas about developing a life of joy. Within minutes of meeting anyone for coaching, counseling, or plain old advice, I find myself asking them the same question, “What do you know about forgiveness?”

Few people respond immediately, so I ask more, “Have you ever learned how to forgive?  Do you know how to forgive someone else?  Do you know anything about self forgiveness?  About forgiving yourself?  Do you know what forgiveness can do for you?  What does forgiveness mean to you?

These are the types of responses I often get:

• “Forgiveness, I don’t know much about it.”
• “I’ve never tried to forgive.”
• “I’m not religious.”
• “I don’t know if I want to.”
• “I’m not interested.”
• “I know I’m supposed to forgive and forget.”
• “I don’t know if I could forgive.”

My purpose in asking is not to surprise anyone, or to take them off guard.  I can be impulsive.  I get very excited about the subject of forgiveness, because I believe that forgiveness is one of the best choices anyone can make to create a joyful and fulfilling life.

So while people are still thinking about the questions, I share my purpose in asking them.  I usually end up saying something like this:

“First of all, what you’ll need to forget is a lot of what you currently think about forgiveness. The steps to forgiveness I’m going to share with you are not involved with religion…this is an equal opportunity technique!  What I want to share with you has to do with your brain, your mental and physical health and well being, your emotional maturity, your enjoyment in life and your happiness, what you create in your consciousness, and what will give you the freedom to have an absolutely awesome life.  By the way, it’s pretty easy…a lot easier than not forgiving. This can change your life in a flash! Are you interested?”

Most people say something like, “Well, yeah, I guess so.”  There are a few who simply leave. 

Life Changer

So you’re here, clicking on a website page, or reading what someone has printed and given to you.

If you’ve got a few minutes, I can help you change your life.

Yes, I just said change your life.  No jive!  What you’re about to learn is not about the few tough things which come to mind whenever you hear the word forgiveness.  We’re going to be talking about your everyday experience and about totally shifting your life for good.  This is not complicated, and I think you’ll be amazed at how simple it is.  There are some really great reasons to forgive.  I really hope you will give it a try.

Stress Benefits

Most of us continue throughout life to look for ways to improve our life experience, to create more fulfillment, to find more joy, and to find more peace.  One of the most common starting points for creating a better life seems to be finding ways to ease and eliminate our stress and overwhelm.

We tend to think of stress, and the resulting overwhelm we feel from too much of it, as something we need to eliminate.  In truth, stress often gets a bad rap.

Not much would ever get done without some stress to motivate us.

Most of what we call stress is caused by a difference in what we see existing in our lives, and in what we want in our lives.  Stress can be a great motivation to change something.  Stress can be helping us by creating an incentive to grow ourselves.

Consider the huge number of people, situations, variables, and changes we encounter daily, and you’ll realize that most of us move through life experiences quite well.  It’s amazing how well we get along considering this next fact.

No two people on this planet share the same reality.  Each person’s individual reality is based on the whole combination of factors in that individual life.  No two people share the same combination of factors, so no two people share the same reality.

What you see, think, and feel is different than
every other person’s see, think, and feel on this planet.

You are gloriously unique, because you have a different history, a different life experience, a different base of knowledge, and a different combination of the components of your life than anyone living now, or in the past.

While you’re considering what your own reality might be, dwell on what a great philosopher, Don Miguel Ruiz  said,
“Knowledge does not mean it is the truth.  Knowledge only means it is what you know.”

The personal world in which you live, your own reality,
even your own knowledge,
is a reflection of your own choices, your own beliefs, and your own attitudes

Let that land in you.

Our personal world, our reality, depends on our consciousness.  Our consciousness, what you give and receive in life, depends on your own unique choices and connections.  You are always creating your own reality by what you choose and what you connect with.  Some people call this the law of attraction.   You attract to yourself, in all things, what you are in consciousness, what you allow in, what you accept, what you believe, and what you have knowledge of.

When people, situations, and the world are operating in alignment with the reality we want to exist in, our own reality, we find it easy to be loving and joyful.  It is when we are challenged by occurrences which create anger or fear that we lose our joy and our peace, and our ability to maintain a balanced and loving attitude.  In a single moment, we can become hostile and angry, or fearful and unhappy.

Attitudes and Perception

If we are to have joy, peace, and love in our lives, in our own reality, we must teach ourselves to restore love when it is lost to an attitude of anger or fear.  We must be able to change our attitude of mind from one of anger or fear, back to one of love.

The greatest tool for restoring a loving attitude is forgiveness.  Before you assume you’ve heard this before, take a moment to understand the original formula for forgiveness found in an ancient language.

The Aramaic is a language whose roots exist in almost every major religion and culture, and a language spoken by many of the greatest teachers and prophets.  This language has the distinction of psychological implications, and subtleties of meaning which are not common in our modern languages.

Whatever your personal knowledge of forgiveness may be, I urge you to consider the simplicity and the wisdom of an ancient formula for restoring a loving attitude when it is lost.  What you’ll discover is a link between ancient wisdom and modern brain technology. 

Neuroscience has now developed approaches which rely on brain imaging techniques to examine our responses to changes and perception. Today’s modern technology, particularly relating to brain research, has shown the principles of this ancient concept of forgiveness to be a powerful tool for creating clear perception and ultimately peace of mind.  The ancient wisdom of the Aramaic and the science of brain technology reveal a path to joy.

The Joy Choice

Since I first discovered the Aramaic formula for forgiveness, I have eagerly explored other forms of forgiveness.  I have never come across another workable, simple, explicit instruction in my years of searching.  There are many theories to forgiveness, and they may work for others.  This is the only formula I have found which works with our brain to change our perception of what we forgive.

You may have tried to forgive before.  You may have tried to let go, to erase, to forget, to overcome, to turn the situation over, to ignore, to justify a motivation.  You may have felt unsuccessful when negative feelings came back.

You were focusing on forgiving what happened, or focused on forgiving the person.

The Aramaic solution to forgiveness meant to cancel.

We cannot cancel a person or what happened.  We cannot cancel reality.

We can cancel our own personal reality of what we wanted, our own agenda.  This daily forgiveness formula will show you how.

There are many beliefs surrounding the concept of forgiveness, just as there are many ideas of how to forgive.  You may believe  it takes a lot of time and effort to forgive.  Perhaps you think you must relive the pain of the experience again, in order to forgive it.  You may believe that forgiving someone, or something, will absolve another person’s responsibility, or free them from what took place.

A  popular expression exists, to forgive and forget, but science shows us our brains are our real personal computers, registering everything which has happened to us.

Our brains do not forget, so the old adage of forgive and forget doesn’t survive the light of the scientific findings of today.

Old hurts, grudges, fears, and misunderstandings remain in our memories, and may be triggered again and again throughout our lives.  A modern solution to the loss of a loving attitude is to have an operating habit in place which will restore our attitude of love.

Why Forgive

We don’t forgive for others…we forgive for ourselves.  We receive the benefits when we forgive.  We change our perception.  We receive the healing, and the release, and it is ourselves who are freed.

The benefits of forgiveness are for us…for our mind, our body, our spirit, our planet.

Forgiveness is a simple, practical, and powerful way to choose a healthy mind, body, and spirit…and to create a healthy world.

We see the scientific evidence of anger and fear showing up in our human systems.  We know resentment can compromise our immune system and affect even our cardiovascular and emotional health.  We know how many relationships are lost to anger and fear.

It is a conscious choice to forgive.  The benefits are inconceivable, and the results are undeniable.  Forgiveness brings incredible freedom and relief.

Consider the possibility of applying forgiveness to anything which appears in your life.

If something doesn’t feel like love, chances are it will benefit from forgiveness.

Just as we learned to walk, to talk, to play an instrument or sport, in incremental building steps, we must approach forgiveness in the same way.  Through practicing forgiveness, and making it an ongoing habit of mind, we will learn to walk, to run, and to dance with the limitless Universe.

Forgiveness simply works.

It is a tool of limitless value.

Example for anger situation:

Step 1. What prompted my anger?
John spoke to me in a harsh and critical way.

Step 2. What happened? What did I perceive?
John shocked and embarrassed me when he criticized my handling of the meeting.  He was unkind, unprofessional, and a real jerk.  I am upset and surprised at his behavior.  I am really angry about how he acted.  I feel that he owes me an apology.  John is not my friend.
(This may take minutes, or days, or months, to uncover all the things you feel and perceived, depending on the depth of the situation.  More aspects which prompted your anger may appear as time goes by.  If more aspects appear, repeat the forgiveness process)

Step 3. I’ve lost my loving attitude:  I’m very angry.

Step 4. What I wanted:
I wish John had been courteous and professional.  I wanted John to treat me as a respected colleague.  I wanted John to be his normal kind self. (After time I may realize that I wanted John to treat me as the friend I thought he was).

Step 5. Forgive =Cancel
I choose to forgive and cancel what I wanted.
What I wanted exists only in my mind.  What I wanted is not what happened, and it is not reality.  By keeping what I wanted going, I cause myself pain and frustration.  When I cancel what I wanted, I forgive, and move on.  This is something which I have control over.

Step 6. Look for the good in the person and/or situation:
John is a good coworker and friend to me in many ways.  He is usually courteous and helpful.  He can be trusted in many things.  We work together well.  I have respect for John’s work abilities.  Working through this forgiveness can create a stronger relationship with John and with my company.
(This is where you are focusing your attention away from negative aspects to positive aspects)

Step 7. Loving action:
I will treat John with courtesy and professionalism as in the past. (Loving action towards John)  When the opportunity presents itself, I’ll mention that I will appreciate his speaking more kindly to me in the future (Loving action for myself) If this action is done with a loving attitude in place, anger or fear will feel cleared.
(Your loving action step might sometimes only be learning something which will help you in the future, or doing something loving for yourself, such as not putting yourself in the situation again).

Example for fear situation:

Step 1:  What prompted my fear?
My 12 year old, David, left the door unlocked when he left to visit his friend.

Step 2:  What happened?  What did I perceive?
I can’t trust David to be responsible.  I am afraid someone will rob us.  I am afraid that David is immature.  I am afraid that David doesn’t listen to me or respect me.  I am afraid that he won’t change.

Step 3:  I’ve lost my loving attitude.  I’m fearful.

Step 4: What I wanted:
I wanted David to lock the door.  I wanted David to be responsible, to listen, to be mature.  I wanted to feel comfortable, secure, and respected.

Step 5:  Forgive = Cancel
I choose to forgive and cancel what I wanted.  What I wanted exists only in my mind.  What I wanted is not what happened, and it is not reality.  By keeping what I wanted going, I cause myself pain and frustration.  When I cancel what I wanted, I forgive, and move on.  This is something which I have control over.

Step 6:  Look for the good in the person or situation.
David tries to do what I ask him to do.  David usually listens to me.  David is responsible in most things.  Our house was safe.  This gives me an opportunity to see how David can get distracted and forget.  This reminds me to create a reminder for him.

Step 7:  Loving action.
I’ll tell David how responsible he normally is, and how I appreciate him listening to me.  I’ll ask him how we can create a reminder for locking the front door when he leaves.  I’ll take this opportunity to teach David how to make positive suggestions to others.

When your mind is focused on something which has triggered anger or fear, you are “not seeing clearly.”  Your perception, your concept of what you are seeing, is filtered through an anger filter or a fear filter.  When you realize you are in anger or fear mode, take the time to get quiet and still, slow down, and use the forgiveness steps to restore a loving and clear perception.

As you get into the habit of forgiving, you will find you may quickly restore a loving attitude.  While you are learning to take the steps, or if you are dealing with something really painful, it is important to write these steps down, and write out your answers, so you really learn the sequence.  You’ll find that journaling these answers reveals much more than trying to hold the steps and your answers in your mind.

Never discount how profoundly simple this is.

When you change the way you see something,
you change your brain,
and you change your own reality.

When you cancel what you wanted which did not happen, you have cleared the way to restoring love to your mind.

Holding onto unreality, what did not happen, keeps us in anger or fear.

Once we have cancelled what we wanted from our mind, we have cleared our perception…

Now we can see the truth.

Now we can see the good, the gifts, the blessings, and the growth that come from every person and every situation which has caused us anger or fear….every person, every situation.

Practicing forgiveness is teaching your brain,
and ultimately your spirit, to act in a healthy way.

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