The night I sat in a classroom listening to someone explain a type of forgiveness based in an ancient language, I remember feeling a strange relaxation, a sort of letting down, an inward sigh of knowingness.  I remember whispering to my husband, “We’re really onto something.”  It was a totally inadequate comment about the impact of the moment.

That night, I knew, I just knew, we had received a huge gift.  I had no idea then how great the gift was.

I listened to the history of a type of forgiveness being taught in a classroom in a federal prison, a classroom I would later visit with a man who helped create a course for hardened felons.  It was a course based on love…loving God, loving self, and loving neighbors.  It was a course on loving attitudes and forgiveness.  The man’s name was Dan MacDougald Jr, and his instruction changed the recidivism rate in the men who learned his methods.

Forgiveness is the greatest cornerstone of my life.  Every experience I have must pass the forgiveness test, because forgiveness has become such a habit of mind for me.   I explain, to the best of my ability, the concept of what was taught to me, based in the Aramaic language, full of psychological and spiritual implications, on this website.  Look for it on the page titled, Why Forgive.  This Aramaic based form of forgiveness can help anyone learn how to change a mindset and change perception.

When I originally began to study and use this forgiveness formula, we didn’t know what we now know about the brain.  Now we understand how changing a mindset, and ultimately changing an attitude, affects the brain.

A new study, being published in an issue of Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that “people who think that people can learn from their mistakes have a different brain reaction to mistakes (errors, problems) than people who think intelligence is fixed.    People who think they can learn from their mistakes have brains which are tuned to pay more attention to mistakes.”

Here’s the takeaway.  When we choose forgiveness, a total change of perception is created in the brain by shifting your mindset from an angry or fearful thought such as:  I am angry at this person, I am sad that this happened and then progressing through the steps of forgiveness.  The last step is to find the good in the person or situation.

You may end up looking for the good in the situation, in someone else, or in yourself.  So often a large part of that good we look for will turn out to be: “What can I learn from this?”

I trusted a respected business person, with an excellent reputation, to deliver a service without receiving a valid contract.  When I contacted him within the time frame we had set for the delivery, he said our agreement had expired, and refused to deliver what I had paid for.  He denied responsibility.  I was shocked and saddened.  It took me several days to find peace, and I sometimes still return to the sadness I feel about his response.  Each time I return to the sadness or the anger, I return to my steps of forgiveness.

Here’s where it gets interesting.  I had a method for changing my mindset about this situation.  I could not change what he had done, but I could change what I had wanted.  Part of what I had wanted was to work with someone I could trust.

And so, I went through the steps of forgiveness, and finally took the step to look for the good. The answer showed up as what I most needed to learn from the situation.  The biggest lesson was not to be a cynic, not to distrust others or myself,  but to be a good business person.  I continue to go back to the process of forgiving every time the sadness or anger towards this person or myself revisits me.

Here’s a wonderful part of this process that helps me to understand how much it contributes to my learning.  Each time I must take the steps of forgiveness around this same situation, I get more information.  For example, I am having a growing awareness that this person, this service, would not be the best for me and my business; that without this person, this service being removed from the picture,  I would not have had the choice to connect to someone who is helping me incredibly.  I would have been spinning my wheels with the first person,  he wouldn’t have provided what I really needed.  As so often happens when I ask for “this or something better,” I receive the “better.”  Now I’m receiving a gift which feels divinely ordered.

The good which has come out of it just keeps coming!  Forgiveness works in so many ways.

Who am I, even if I fancy myself a lifetime learner, to doubt divine order?

Joy & Blessings,
Carole  xx

PS:  One more tidbit…when you continue to make a conscious choice to forgive, you feel deserving of every bit of good which comes to you.

Read the whole article about the brain’s reaction:
http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/news/releases/how-the-brain-reacts-to-mistakes

I still associated that saccharin laced word with high school yearbook descriptions: “Stay as cute and sweet as you are!”  Ick!  Hadn’t I outgrown that characterization and turned into an interesting and complex woman?  Sweet, really?

I had an urge to show them I could be a mean girl when I wanted to.  This sprung from the young adult who uncovered the nickname her family had given her as a child.  I never knew what they called me until my Aunt Ree said after meeting my husband, “We always wondered what kind of man would marry Fireball!”

Dr Brian Meier, one of the authors of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, promoting scientific research exploring how people think, behave, feel, and interact, says, “Taste is something we experience every day. Our research examined whether metaphors (e.g. saying a person is ‘sweet’) which link taste preferences with pro-social experiences may be used to shed light on actual personality traits and behavior.”

We wouldn’t naturally make a connection between our sense of taste and our personality or behavior, would we?  Dr Meier says, “Our results suggest there is a real link between sweet tastes and pro-social behavior.”

Authors of the psychological studies believe sweet tastes and positive social behavior could activate the same regions of the brain.

The authors actually found participants who ate a sweet food (a specific brand of chocolate), versus a non-sweet food (a cracker), or no food, were more likely to volunteer to help another person in need.  The authors demonstrated people can predict how helpful or nice someone is, based on the extent to which he or she prefers eating sweet foods.

Are you loving this?

If you find this interesting, sign up for the free eBook on this website about how much our senses affect our connection with others:
Joy Connection: What Makes You Connectable.

If you’d like to read the extended article scientific studies by scientists on taste and behavior, find it at: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/10/111018212346.htm

Who am I to doubt scientific studies?  I once had a friend with a much nicer nickname than Fireball.  People called her Coco, because she loved chocolate, and she happened to be an incredibly kind and sweet person.

The truth is: I want to believe these studies.  I always have an intention of cooking mostly healthy foods, making sure we get our vitamins, and reading the food labels in our grocery cart, but I’m definitely making a conscious choice of adding more desserts to my husband’s diet!

We’re big Dr Oz fans in our house.  I record every episode so my husband and I can watch it together.

Why?  We are 2 information junkies who just can’t get enough of the good stuff he shares on his show!  The Dr Oz Show has the latest and best information on living a healthy, balanced, and productive life in a fun and joy filled format.

This week I caught a great episode when Dr Oz discussed ways to bust your bad mood.  He talked about the aging body bouncing back less quickly from stress and overwhelm as decades roll by.  He said the limbic system of the brain (which always gets my attention) reacts to stress by secreting chemicals which cause the adrenal glands to create stress hormones.  These stress hormones cause huge changes in the body, and they can affect everything from high blood pressure to weight gain.  He went on to say one of the things we can do to counteract stress is we should all vent a little!  He recommended swearing to keep from stuffing the stress…no kidding!

There are several great reasons I refer to my CaroleBryant.com site as Conscious Choice & Connection.   One  reason is my mind has a tendency to see the connection in many things.  I’ve come to peace with my connections and synchronicities, because they are a great help in my writing and my self expression.

So when Dr Oz was talking about swearing, my mind immediately connected to my dear friend, Georgi, who is a flight attendant for a major airline.  Georgi is one of the most lovable people I know, and she is also known for saying what she thinks…which I won’t go into here because of spam restraints.  She happens to manage stress and overwhelm as well as anyone I know, so I know Dr Oz is onto something!

The next connection my brain made was my career as a flight attendant.  My first thought about that time of my life was how many times I saw flight attendants be unable to talk back to passengers.  As a result, I believe their stuffing their own feelings, contributed to the anxiety, the stress, and even the weight gain which crept in through many years of flying.

I had been a flight attendant and also an in-flight coordinator, supervising, coordinating,  and dealing with the logistics, variables, and occasional emergencies of crew, passengers, and agents.  (I talk about this experience in “Meet Carole” on http://www.CaroleBryant.com )

I certainly stuffed my share of stress and overwhelm.  My saving grace was not so much swearing, as I did do privately when the need arose, but in learning to incorporate stress busters into my life.  During the years I was flying, I was also making a conscious choice to learn methods to reduce anxiety;  the attitudinal training, the personal development, the pastoral counseling, and life coaching trainings which were creating methods to help me become a calmer and more peaceful me.

When I retired from flying, I continued what I call my lifetime learning, and soon began writing.  My life was less stressful, and I was very happy…until I suddenly hit bottom.  As I describe in “Meet Carole,” I had unknowingly reached a tipping point which resulted in huge anxiety and depression.  I was dealing with elements I couldn’t control or even influence.  I stopped sleeping, connecting with others, and my whole world as I had known it ended.

Later, through doctors and therapists, I was told I had childhood post traumatic stress disorder which had been triggered.  It appeared that it was finally safe for me to face it, and so, I methodically set out to try to fix it.  That journey was a roller coaster of emotions for me and my loved ones.

One day, through amazing synchronicity, I read some old notes on a method of forgiveness which I had been taught and had used for many years.  This method of forgiveness, which is compatible with neuroscience of today, is based in the ancient language of Aramaic.  It is a practical and psychological way to create healthy attitudes and relieve stress.  I had used it to manage my stress on every flight I took.  In fact, I feel I had packed this life changing method of forgiveness in the roller board suitcase I pulled along behind me on every trip.

For so many years, I had employed this method of forgiveness to help me cancel so much stress and overwhelm related to anger, related to actions of others which I had no control over, to keep my loving attitudes while others around me acted out.  On this day of synchronicity, words on an old copy of my forgiveness steps jumped out at me.  I suddenly saw what I had never been able to see before.  I saw the words: “Forgiveness for anger and fear.”

That day, I began using the steps of forgiveness to cancel what was causing my fear and resulting in the manifestation of PTSD symptoms.  Overnight I made progress.  Within a few days, I was more like my old confident self.  Within weeks, I was a new person…better than before, having learned a lot, and as we say in this formula for forgiveness, “able to see the good in the person or the situation.”

I share this formula for forgiveness on my website at why-forgive.html, because I want everyone to have it.

Thanks, Dr Oz.  I appreciate you and all you do.  I appreciate your intentions in the world.  Keep shining on us!

Read the whole article about busting bad moods on The Dr Oz show website which inspired this article:

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/dr-ozs-foolproof-fixes-bust-your-bad-mood?page=2#copy

Stay connected!

Joy & Blessings,

Carole  xx

The film, BULLY,  3+stars, from USA Today reviewer, Claudia Puig, was just released in theaters.

“A must-see film that’s also hard to watch.  Classrooms, cafeterias, and school buses can be places of anguish for millions of children, as powerfully demonstrated in BULLY, an insightful and moving documentary.  The film, which tells the story of 5 victims of bullying, should be required viewing for everyone ages 8-18…it wouldn’t hurt to make the documentary mandatory for parents, teachers, and school officials as well.”

According to the article: “The Motion Picture Association of America denied the filmmakers’ petition for a PG-13 rating because of concerns over profanity. “  The distributor is leaving it up to individual theaters to set admission policies.”

The MPAA had the option to contribute to the welfare of younger children by making Bully an unrated film.  Many of these unrated documentaries have done well at the box-office in the past.

Did you know all the popular profanity when you were in grammar school?  Perhaps you grew up in a family, as I did, which didn’t allow me to experience it, and it certainly wasn’t allowed on television or in theaters when I was a kid.  Is there a child alive today, over 6. who hasn’t heard and repeated the proliferance of profanity in our culture? 

Is it possible that witnessing a very real documentary about how profanity can be used to demean , control, and bully others would actually be educational for kids?

I trained with a profound teacher of attitudes who created a program to rehabilitate hardened felons in a federal prison.  He reversed the recidivism rate for most of those felons he taught.  It is a well accepted fact that the majority of hardened criminals have experienced abuse and bullying as a child.

To quote my teacher, the late Dan MacDougald, Jr:  “Words in a society are important.  A society’s words decline before the culture declines.  People commonly demean a victim with words before they inflict physical harm.  Riots are started by speeches, thieves usually belittle their victims.  Destructive or negative behavior rarely occurs unless there has first been destructive or negative speech.”  We see this demonstrated regularly in cases of domestic abuse in which verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse.

What can you do?  Make a conscious choice to get involved and take action:
*See the movie, “Bully,” with your children
*Request theaters show it to younger children
*Talk to your schools about making this film mandatory

You know it’s too late to educate and protect children at the age of 13.
Do it now!

Read the USA Today article:
http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/reviews/story/2012-03-30/bully-documentary/53874516/1

Click on the link below to listen to this audio from NPR:
Overwhelmed Working Moms

Next:  Click the link below to find out if you have overwhelm:

Overwhelm CheckUp

Then check out the other posts on
overwhelm on this  http://CaroleBryant.com  website…
and while you’re there, sign up for
free Joy Notes emails and a free ebook: Joy Connection: What Makes Your Connectable!

I’m glad you’re here…look around…and come back soon!

Joy & Blessings,
Carole  xx

Her elderly mom, who lives alone in another city, was having some challenges.  My friend had been planning to visit her in a few weeks, but was feeling she should leave earlier than originally planned.  She had received a report from a brother who lived nearby her mom.

My friend needed to talk about the situation.  She was working through her options, and her deepest feelings about what she should do.  We spent several minutes going over the situation, and she became clearer.  Just talking about the situation to someone who cared helped her get more clarity about her real feelings.

We all have a lot to do, often causing us to multitask, and to give half attention and effort to many of the routine things we do everyday.  We move through things on our lists rapidly, often looking ahead to where we need to focus next.  We may not remember something significant at the end of a day, if we haven’t completely connected to it.  This is the very definition of overwhelm, the very absence of peace or understanding.

In Surrender Your Agenda: Finding Your Life Purpose, a course I developed for stressed and overwhelmed women, one of the most important choices which I encourage everyone to make is that of being fully present wherever you are, and in whatever you are doing throughout the day.

When we are fully present we make a real connection to others and to ourselves.  Being fully present defeats much of the overwhelm and stress of our lives, because it allows us to let our minds rest from everything else while we are engaged in what we are doing.  Our attitude of mind actually changes when we focus in on what is important for us to prioritize in the moment.  When we are present with a situation, a task, or a person our perception is focused on our purpose right here, right now.

We all spend lots of time and energy on the gifts we give to others during the holidays, or for birthdays, or other special occasions.  Becoming fully present with the living beings in your life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them.  Who in your life would receive great benefit from a deep and conscious connection to you?  Several people may come to mind immediately.  I would suggest to you  everyone in your life would receive benefits from your being fully present in your interaction with them, no matter how short that interaction may be.

We now know multitasking is seldom effective.  The brain cannot truly focus on several tasks simultaneously, and resorts to focusing in sequentially short attentions to each task involved.   The greatest argument against multitasking is it keeps us from fully experiencing  the living beings who give meaning and purpose to our life.

Take the time to be connected to the living beings in your life.  Bring yourself back to the moment whenever you notice you are slipping into another time or place.  Give the gift of your presence to others.  Take the time to acknowledge the people who cross your path.  They are your teachers, as you are theirs.

One of the greatest joys in life is real connection to others.  It is a gift.  You can change your habit of multi-tasking by choosing to be fully present in each moment.  You change your habits by creating new intention and purpose.

Take the time today to express real feelings to someone, to understand someone, to be quiet with someone, to support someone, to hold a hand, to laugh together, to share the moment.  Live your life fully and consciously.  Give your gift of presence to others and to yourself.  Give yourself.

Joy & Blessings, Carole  xx

Our emotional brains react to anything quicker than our thinking brains. Daniel Goleman, one of my great mentors, says this jumping to conclusions is part of our most primitive survival response. It can sometimes go into overload and be involved in creating more  overwhelm and stress for us.

Jumping to conclusions is caused by more than a simple brain reaction. We take ourselves too seriously!  This is where anger and fear attitudes can generate.  I’m being polite.  We fall into the very human trap of believing our own thinking is the only reality, and are surprised when overwhelm and lack of connection to others results!

A great truth that someone shared with me, sometime, somewhere: “Two or more people have greater access to the truth.”We all need healthy feedback, and we need other loving people to give it to us. Loving feedback is one of the greatest gifts we humans give each other.  If we don’t get this exchange with others, we start to believe our own stuff!  Believing our own stuff is not pretty, and it’s not good for us or for others.

A close friend, who gives great feedback by the way, sent me a hilarious link to one of the funniest men of all time, Bob Newhart.  Take the time to watch this video, and be prepared to laugh out loud.  I’m giving you the link at the end of this post.

Laughing is so important for us.  It works magic on our mind, our body, and our spirit. It builds a stronger immune system, and exercises the heart.  It even changes the autonomic nervous system, alters stress hormones and neurotransmitter levels (the substances we need to transmit nerve impulses.) If we can laugh at ourselves and take ourselves less seriously, we will be a healthier person, in mind, body, and spirit.

Norman Cousins, in 1976, wrote a great book about the effects of laughter on the health of the body.  Check out, “Anatomy of an Illness,” especially if you have chronic pain.

Make a Joy Choice for yourself.  Start taking several breaks during the day to regenerate yourself.  Do what you have to do to remember….put up reminders, set an alarm…but do it! Overwhelm and stress relief is not just about being quiet, meditating, praying, but also about being a natural animal, laughing and having fun, and interacting with others, even getting some loving feedback.

• Put some laughter in a break…you know how
• Talk to a supportive friend or partner…share thoughts and feelings and listen to another’s view
• Be silly by yourself, with others, with your pet
• Get out of your head and into your heart in your own way

“Believe Your Own Stuff?” (video link for next time you’re being too serious with yourself!)

Joy & Blessings,  Carole  xx

Early last Sunday morning, I went outside to pick up the newspaper.  I made a smacking noise to call our little night owl cat, Lucy.  We had taught our cats to come to that sound so we’d never disturb the neighbors. 

I heard a faint meow coming from the yard across the street.  A big brown tabby came running as if I was his long lost friend.  He greeted me with enthusiasm, and enthused himself right into the house, before I could stop him.  I put him outside, but he patiently showed us that he knew how to use a cat door, three times, with what I think was a smile on his face.

We placed Found signs in the neighborhood, ads in two newspapers, and asked everyone we met.  No answers.  After a week went by, we began to ask our friends if they’d like a new cat.  He was everything we described…peaceful, loving, adaptable, friendly, and easy to have around.  No takers.  Then someone said they’d like to come by and meet him…a potential new owner, but they wanted a different type of cat.

Day 8:  I woke up in a very funky mood…not sure why.  I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling…out of sorts?

I write and teach joy.  I wasn’t feeling much of joy, and couldn’t shake my strange mood.  I was working on my book, The Joy Choice, in which I share how to restore a loving attitude when fear or anger is active in our mind.  I took the steps to discover what my present attitude was.  It wasn’t fear or anger, but it didn’t feel like love.  I was grumpy, weepy, and absolutely down-n-n-n…what was it?

I busied myself, tried to concentrate on writing, tried to prepare for a trip coming up.  There was something I hadn’t remembered to do.  I got quiet and still and asked Spirit for help.  I asked:

• When have I felt these feelings before?
• If I did know what I was feeling, what would it be?
  

Thoughts came into my mind of the time when my dad was dying from cancer.  

What did this have to do with what I was feeling?  

I let myself really feel the feelings.  Sadness welled up in me, and I cried.  The feeling was sadness, but there was more. I was feeling love, attachment, and the great sadness of having to give him up. I remember feeling I had to accept my loss and accept it as a part of life.  There was no choice.  

What in the world could this have to do with a stray cat?

That’s when I got it. I didn’t want to make this decision with my intellect.  I needed to get out of my head and into my heart.  I knew we weren’t looking for another cat, it wasn’t practical, or mature to even consider another.  My heart said something else. I decided to share my feelings with my husband, and he surprised me with his answer.

How often do you give yourself time and space to really know what you feel? How often do you check with your heart?  Your heart doesn’t always appear to be practical, but it understands more than your intellect can consciously know.  When you check with your heart, you get the answers which don’t always make sense at first, but answers from the heart bring love and peace.

Too many cats?  We wouldn’t have chosen to seek out another one.  Our pets have mostly found us.  They’ve chosen us, and we believe in adopting strays, especially when they are placed squarely in our paths. 

Many of the best things in life arrive when we’re not looking for them, when they simply sneak into hearts.

Let me introduce a new member of the family….We named him…what else? Joy!

Joy & Blessings,
Carole  xx

Inclusive:  including, relating to, comprehensive  

I grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, USA, in the era of the civil rights marches.  I was blessed to have parents and other family, who taught me to respect and love all people, and to respect and love myself.  Dr Martin Luther King, Jr’s church was in my hometown.  It was a time of jingoism:  extreme and emotional nationalism.  I remember studying that word, jingoism, in school.  I didn’t know then why I would always remember it.  Now I understand the changes I’ve seen.

Now our country reflects our changing world.  We are finally creating a world, which Dr King once described, “a world in which my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”  Children of tomorrow will know that any limitation in their own potential will exist only within themselves.  They will grow up in the limitless consciousness of the human family that we are becoming.

The world is sending us a symbolic message.  Those of us who live in freedom around the world have great responsibility now.  It is a good time to ask ourselves:

~Am I using my gift of freedom to promote love on this planet?

~How can I love my neighbors here on the planet?

In the Aramaic language, the language of the greatest prophets who influenced the great religions of the world, a neighbor is: anyone near me, anyone I think about, and their operating selves, and belongings.

There’s a beautiful directive of love that is popularly called The Golden Rule...”Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

Did you know the Golden Rule can be found in every major world religion?  In Buddhism: “Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.”  In Christianity: “And as ye would that men should do unto you, do ye also to them likewise.”  In Hinduism: “Do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you.”  In Islam: “None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.”  Judaism: “..thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” In Taoism: “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.”  These are but a few examples among many.

Remember, you have a whole human family of neighbors.  Love them, love yourself, love your freedom, love this planet.  Every day, I try to reflect on the words of Richard Bach, on a small plaque that hangs in my kitchen.  He said, “The bond that links true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others lives.”

Respect and Joy….

Pass it on…Love your neighbors… Live the Golden Rule.

Joy & Blessings, Carole xx